Attachment Styles
The way we connect with others begins long before our first relationship. From childhood, we start to form attachment styles based on how our caregivers responded to our needs. If they were consistent, we may have learned to trust and feel safe. If they were inconsistent or unavailable, we may have learned to cling, pull back, or rely only on ourselves.
But here’s the good news: attachment isn’t fixed. Just like our bodies, our patterns of connection can shift, heal, and grow stronger throughout our lives. Every relationship, every season of life, even the work you do on yourself, can open the door to new ways of relating.
This article is not about putting you in a box, diagnosing, or labelling you. Think of it as a gentle guide—a mirror you can hold up to notice the patterns in yourself and others. When you begin to see those patterns with compassion, you also start to see the opportunities for deeper trust, closeness, and stability.
Secure Attachment Style
With secure attachment, children feel safe exploring their world because they know they can count on their caregiver when needed. This dependable support helps them feel secure, confident, and trusting as they grow up.
In adulthood, secure attachment looks like:
Feeling comfortable asking others for help or support.
Trusting that people will be there when needed.
Not worrying much about being abandoned or left behind.
Finding it easy to get close to others and build connections.
Being okay with others depending on you, too.
Securely attached people communicate well, support their partners, and feel safe and stable.
Anxious Attachment Style
Anxious attachment happens when a child’s caregiver is inconsistent—they might be there sometimes, but other times not. This makes the child unsure if they can depend on the caregiver, leaving them feeling clingy, insecure, and anxious.
In adulthood, anxious attachment might show up as:
Frequently worrying about your relationships.
Wanting closeness and intimacy but also fearing rejection or being left.
Becoming clingy or needy if your partner is unavailable or not responsive.
Constantly needing reassurance from your partner.
Feeling jealous when your partner interacts with others.
Struggling to express what you need or feel in relationships.
People with an anxious attachment style tend to crave closeness but also fear losing it, which can stir insecurities and intense emotions.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant attachment develops when a child learns they can’t rely on their caregiver because their needs aren’t met. As a result, they turn inward, learning to suppress emotions and rely on themselves.
In adulthood, avoidant attachment might look like:
Feeling uncomfortable depending on others or allowing others to depend on you.
Thinking people often let you down when you need them.
Finding it hard to trust others fully.
Feeling uneasy with closeness or intimacy.
Feeling like partners often want more closeness than you’re comfortable with.
People with an avoidant attachment style often prize independence and may struggle with emotional closeness, which can make it hard to form deeper, more open relationships.
Insecure Attachment Styles
When caregivers are inconsistent, unavailable, or unable to meet a child’s emotional needs, children often develop what we call insecure attachment. This can take a few different shapes, most commonly anxious or avoidant. Insecure attachment isn’t a life sentence—it simply reflects the adaptations a child made to get their needs met, and these patterns can absolutely shift over time.
Knowing your attachment style isn’t about judgment—it’s about awareness. When you can see the patterns clearly, you give yourself the power to shift them. And from that place, building stronger, healthier, more fulfilling connections becomes possible.
