Beyond the Sprint: Building Connection That Lasts
We’re moving faster than ever. And the speed at which we’ve become accustomed to for information and technology has trickled over into life and love. But real connection doesn’t unfold on a timeline. In this post, I unpack why slowing down might be the most erotic move you can make.
We all want clarity. We crave connection. Certainty and predictability feel good.
But intimacy, whether in personal or professional relationships, doesn’t unfold on demand. Rushing it can ruin the very thing you’re trying to build.
Let’s start with a metaphor.
Picture a runner with two very different training modes. On the track, they focus on 100m sprints. Fast, explosive, and time-bound. Speed matters here. In certain contexts, such as launching a product, capitalizing on new technology, or executing a tight project, that kind of sprinting is also essential. You’re being measured on time, and you need to deliver.
But meaningful relationships, whether romantic or business, don’t reward urgency in the same way. You can’t rush trust. You can’t compress credibility. Pushing too hard, too fast, to prove, test, or “close the deal” often does the opposite and even backfires, leaving you with nothing at the end of the day.
Worthwhile relationships require a different kind of training, like the long run, where the runner will find the rhythm of their breath, moderating their pace and heart rate. They call for consistency, endurance, and a long-game mindset. That means investing in habits and practices that compound over time, like deep listening, mutual respect, and presence —the kind of efforts that can’t be measured on a smartwatch but define the quality of your journey.
The Desire to Know — Right Now!
We’re living in a world that desensitizes us to discomfort. We are a fast-serve nation. Instagram serves up 10-second soundbites promising the cure to any emotional problem. Tap-to-pay checkouts mean we don’t even pause at the till. Everything is built for speed, and that is trickling over into how we relate.
But real connection doesn’t work like that. It requires friction, delicateness and a certain amount of uncertainty.
My client Sam came to me last year struggling with intimacy. What presented as a physical issue turned out to be equal parts emotional. We worked through shame, values, emotional pacing, and the subtle dance that unfolds in early-stage relationships, the place where true connection either takes root or dissolves.
The reason I’m writing this post? Sam’s story isn’t unique. Increasingly, clients, regardless of gender, are unable to stay grounded in the uncertainty that accompanies new relationships, of all kinds; that space where questions like this bubble up:
Who is this person?
Can I trust them?
Will they accept me?
Rather than sit with this, there’s a rush to resolve them. To name the dynamic. To define the outcome. To figure out — is this going somewhere or not?
When “Clarity” Kills Chemistry
One client recently told me about two promising first dates. After both, the men followed up with long, bullet-pointed texts laying out exactly what they were looking for in a partner, what they wouldn’t tolerate, and what kind of relationship structure they expected. They asked her to confirm: Are you in?
Her reaction?
“Both dates felt good. I was excited to get to know them. But after those messages, something felt off. It was like they weren’t willing to let things breathe — to let me be in it.”
The desire for clarity, certainty, and a fast track to intimacy often kills the very thing we’re craving: connection. We’ve been sold the myth that love should be effortless, that chemistry is instant, and that if someone likes you, they’ll act a certain way — immediately. However, real relationships require time, discomfort, and a willingness to stay curious in the unknown.
From Fast Starts to Lasting Connection: REPS in Real Life
This is where the REPS Model comes in:
Regulate. Engage. Perform. Sustain.
It’s not just for athletes. It’s a relational map.
Regulate: Can you stay with your breath when anxiety or anticipation rises? Can you feel discomfort without reacting or rushing to find a resolution?
Engage: Are you fully present with what’s unfolding? Listening deeply? Responding, not rehearsing?
Perform: Can you show up with integrity, express your desire, hold tension, and take action without needing immediate feedback?
Sustain: Can you build something slowly, in rhythm, with rest and space and trust, rather than effort alone?
One of the tools I use with clients navigating early-stage intimacy is something I call the Three-Date Ladder. It’s a simple framework for pacing connection. Because sometimes, the very thing we think is missing — chemistry, intimacy, desire — isn’t missing at all. It just needs time to unfold.
“Meaningful connection requires effort. Discomfort. Curiosity. And time. ”
The Erotic Equation: Obstacle + Attraction = Desire
Psychologist Dr. Jack Morin, identified a powerful truth: desire tends to spike not when everything is resolved, but when there’s a little friction. He called it the Erotic Equation:
Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement
Think about the magnetic pull of an airport flirtation, or the slow burn of a connection that builds over time. Distance, timing, cultural difference, even uncertainty — these aren’t always threats. They can be ingredients in the experience of real desire.
Now, I’m not suggesting you manufacture drama. Or leverage emotional availability. But I invite you to consider: What happens when we try to eliminate every unknown, every pause, and every moment of uncertainty?
We flatten the mystery. We remove the limerence, the spark of possibility that lives in the space between. The connection might still be there, but it loses its charge. It stops breathing.
For this week, ask yourself:
Am I trying to get there fast, or go far?
What’s my tolerance for uncertainty in relationships?
Where might I be forcing resolution instead of letting something unfold?
Because relationships — whether romantic, professional, or somewhere in between — aren’t 100m sprints. They’re long-haul journeys. Sometimes they’re marathons. Other times, they’re trail runs through unfamiliar terrain.
Speed might help you launch. But depth? That takes something else entirely:
Pacing. Presence. And the courage to stay in the process.
Want to Go Deeper?
If this resonates, I invite you to explore more in our newsletter, Three Good Things
Inside, you’ll get my Three-Date Ladder, a guide for the early days when everything feels uncertain. It includes:
Grounding prompts for a first date or early meeting
Guidance for navigating sexual health disclosures
Practices to regulate anxiety around “what this is”
